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In a perfect world, everyone would have at least one person in their lives who’s able and willing to connect them to advantageous opportunities they may have been unable to grasp without this person’s assistance. These “advantageous opportunities” could be anything from them introducing you to people it would behoove you to know to them just sharing timely and vital information with you. Regardless of the means, they provide a net positive in your life, and it’s hard to imagine a person becoming successful without at least one of these people in your corner.

But, as we all know, this is an imperfect world, and while some people don’t have any such person in their lives, others (re: me) have several. (That faint noise you’re probably hearing now is the sound of me tooting my own horn combined with a solo from the world’s smallest violin.)

I have a friend — “Ray” — who fits this description to a T. In fact, out of the three things on my agenda last Friday (meet with staff of The Hill Review, film an interview with Ariana Proehl from Knowthis!, prepare a report for a ULYP-GP meeting on Sunday) two (the interview and the spot on the Urban League executive committee) were a direct result of the Ray hook-up.

Anyway, I ended up meeting Ray at a lounge later than night. After a couple drinks, he shared this little bit of information:

(Paraphrasing)

“According to a few of my classmates (Raymar’s a grad student at CMU), there’s this new vibrator — the Hitachi — that every woman swears by. In fact, they love it so much that they came up with this crazy idea: Create some type of campaign that puts vibrators into the hands of high school girls. They think that introducing them to vibrators might decrease pregnancy and STD rates. They’re serious about this too. They’re even going to develop a thesis, do research, and create a presentation and report based on why they think it should be implemented.”

While hanging out with Ray again Saturday night — and after receiving three pun filled texts from him during the day, including “Conservatives would definitely moan about this idea. Get it? “Moan?“¹ — we happened to run into the women who came up with the idea, and they gave us a bit more background.

Their plan isn’t to just randomly disseminate vibrators to high school girls, but to target girls who are already sexually active and happen to be in districts with high pregnancy rates. They’d distribute the vibrators after the girls had gone through some type of sex education course. Their rationale? Having the vibrators handy will A) decrease the need for sex and B) encourage these girls to learn more about themselves and their bodies, leading to a more educated, more empowered, and less likely to have risky sex student.

After hearing approximately 2355 different arguments in the last four days about this idea — Seriously. This might be the best conversation starter of all-time — my initial feeling “No, it wouldn’t work” remained unchanged. Why? Well…

1. I could be wrong, but from what I understand, the majority of sexually active teen girls are having sex for three reasons: A) to cultivate emotional connections, B) to feel wanted, and C) to please their boyfriends. Getting actual pleasure/orgasms doesn’t seem to be very high on their lists, and the vibrators can’t replicate the human connection they seem to be craving.

2. If the reviews for the Hitachi are any indicator, “efficient” vibrators usually increase women’s sex drives…leading to more sex. Basically, instead of being “satisfied” with the sex they’re currently having, the teens might be more prone to either use the vibrator to supplement the sex they’re already having or experiment and have riskier sex so that they can repeat those orgasmic feelings.

With that that being said, I’d actually like to see if this idea would work. Seriously, in high-risk districts where a sixth of the senior girls are already pregnant, what would they have to lose?

Anyway, people of VSB.com, I’m curious: Do you think that handing out Hitachis in the homerooms of especially hot pantsed districts would actually be able to decrease teen pregnancy and STD rates? Why or why not?

<address>¹My response to that text: “I guess this means the liberals and feminists would cry tears of joy”
</address>

—The Champ

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